i'm in a deep panic because of my googling. but i really don't think my googling was the wrong thing to do, because now i feel informed.

informed but panicked.

these myxopapillary ependymoma tumors are highly likely to recur, and difficult to completely remove. apparently they cannot be broken and must be removed whole, or even though they are benign, they can cause serious problems if they spill. however, they often get tied up in the nerves in the back (as i assume mine is, because the pain goes down my legs and i have... er, bowel troubles.) and removing it from that tangled mess could really destroy my nerves, so they have to leave some of it in there. and then do radiation, maybe.

i just can't believe i may have to deal with continued MRIs for the rest of my life to track the very high possibility of this damn tumor coming back and back and back. and multiple surgeries for the rest of my life.

i always imagined i'd live a good long life.

this sucks.

it seems wildly unfair.

cry, panic, cry.