i'm in a deep panic because of my googling. but i really don't think my googling was the wrong thing to do, because now i feel informed.

informed but panicked.

these myxopapillary ependymoma tumors are highly likely to recur, and difficult to completely remove. apparently they cannot be broken and must be removed whole, or even though they are benign, they can cause serious problems if they spill. however, they often get tied up in the nerves in the back (as i assume mine is, because the pain goes down my legs and i have... er, bowel troubles.) and removing it from that tangled mess could really destroy my nerves, so they have to leave some of it in there. and then do radiation, maybe.

i just can't believe i may have to deal with continued MRIs for the rest of my life to track the very high possibility of this damn tumor coming back and back and back. and multiple surgeries for the rest of my life.

i always imagined i'd live a good long life.

this sucks.

it seems wildly unfair.

cry, panic, cry.

i've named my tumor bertie.

go away bertie. please don't kill me. or spawn. KTHXBAI.

worried about nadal's health. he says he's recovering from the flu still, and that's why he's sweating SO MUCH. apparently he's lost 5 pounds during his matches!

i've never been so emotionally invested in any sport before. even my terps <3 probably because for the terps there is always a rotating cast of characters so they can always get better but nadal each passing year means he's just older and has fewer chances to win. <3 rafaaaa

in back-related news, i got the report from my MRI last week, and apparently, i may have one of these three tumors: myxopapillary ependymoma, schwannoma or a neurofibroma. the uncertainty of it all makes me feel like i could be on house. but ideally this will be much simpler and in a week or so i will know everything i need to do.

sometimes i worry too much about making a good impression. i think it's because i initially alienated all of tim's friends and now i would like for them (especially new ones) to not think that i am a total bitch.

i think i am doing well tonight, though.

oh i forgot!



http://www.priscillaliang.com/2010/07/easy-fluffy-no-knead-bread/

i made bread.

well, every day is out the window. but we shall see about AT LEAST EVERY OTHER DAY. this is how all good resolutions fail.

i can't wait for the weekend! <3

also, even though he will be playing in the middle of the night, vamos rafa <3333

i wish i had something deeper to say but my mind is consumed with booking airline tickets for 50 students and teachers and deciding whether or not to panic about my back mass. and i've decided it's better to wait for the second MRI and opinions from the neurosurgeons, but you know. i still think about it.

blurgh.

feeling paranoid. have discovered a mass in my low back after getting an MRI.

malignant or benign? all i can think about is cancer and how it would suck if i can't go to china and taiwan and egypt and turkey and how i really haven't accomplished anything and how inconvenient this all is. and how i wish i had had insurance from august through december of last year so i could have gotten this damn MRI sooner.

i guess it's just time to wait and see what the doctors say...

today me and kelly tried to make latkes. they seem really simple, but grating them gets kinda difficult, and frying them! frying them consistently and deliciously was definitely difficult. also we didn't have sour cream.

i'll try again another day.

when do birds migrate? do ducks not migrate? what do ducks do? i saw one in a small body of water when i went on a walk yesterday, and saw a flock of canadian geese flying south. i mean, it snowed already. what are they still doing here?

i will write something here every day until i go to china in april.

i read my post from 2009, when i thought i'd be posting regularly, and it seems i got some of what i wanted. my hourly job died when the nonprofit center died, so i went to taiwan for all of january and february.

and now i'm floating. i have a "real" job, but not a career path. it pays the bills (what bills?) and lets me live my life, and i really am learning every single day. if nothing other than how to deal with stupid people, which is probably highly important in this world. but it's also turning me into a weird hobo slob creature who sits at home and more importantly, it's giving me the ability to just collect my paychecks, watch too much television and put off figuring out what i should actually do with the rest of my life.

i still want to float.

now, it's been a year and a half (more than that) since i graduated, and i think floating is less and less acceptable.

especially to my mother.

i don't think i'm capable of effusive love for real things and real people.

just animals and celebrities and food.

is that a bad thing?

i've been reading the blog of this girl who is married and pregnant and mormon and young and lives in DC (http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com) and while i don't really want to be 24 and pregnant, the joy in her posts and her beautiful photos and her ridiculous style make me kind of jealous. she makes the montgomery county fair look and sound thrilling. she makes the germantown pumpkin festival sound amazing. she makes a big mac look like the most delicious thing i'll ever eat.

i think i should look on the bright side.

what's that right now? my back pain is lessening, and i'm getting an MRI on tuesday, which will hopefully get me to the root of the problem, and then one week later, i'm going to the physiatrist, who deals with spine and sports injuries, who will cure meeeee! i hope.

also, vamos rafa! <3