vampers don't get tumors, right? can i be a vampire? OH better yet, can i drink some vampire blood?
i read the first three books of the sookie stackhouse series yesterday... i don't want to read more because i don't want to ruin true blood's fourth season for myself. i'm watching true blood over again from the beginning because it's distracting.
tired of having crying fits every couple of days and being a total bitch to everyone. but it would help if i got some ANSWERS, dammit.
16.2.11
15.2.11
i feel like im having more and more trouble peeing and my surgery is still more than a week and a half away and nobody from the doctor's office will tell me what i should be expecting or seems to give a shit about me.
i had to learn on my own that ibuprofen is a no-no, and i don't have tylenol so sleep last night was difficult. i'm tired all the time, which i can only assume is tied to my poor quality of sleep.
i don't know what i will do if i can't pee normally ever again for the rest of my life. i don't have the time to spend forever in a bathroom each day; i don't have the luxury of silence and privacy always, and i can't imagine what sort of infections are going to happen because of this.
and nobody, nobody cares.
the surgeon is in motherfucking italy.
i don't know anything.
i had to learn on my own that ibuprofen is a no-no, and i don't have tylenol so sleep last night was difficult. i'm tired all the time, which i can only assume is tied to my poor quality of sleep.
i don't know what i will do if i can't pee normally ever again for the rest of my life. i don't have the time to spend forever in a bathroom each day; i don't have the luxury of silence and privacy always, and i can't imagine what sort of infections are going to happen because of this.
and nobody, nobody cares.
the surgeon is in motherfucking italy.
i don't know anything.
26.1.11
i'm in a deep panic because of my googling. but i really don't think my googling was the wrong thing to do, because now i feel informed.
informed but panicked.
these myxopapillary ependymoma tumors are highly likely to recur, and difficult to completely remove. apparently they cannot be broken and must be removed whole, or even though they are benign, they can cause serious problems if they spill. however, they often get tied up in the nerves in the back (as i assume mine is, because the pain goes down my legs and i have... er, bowel troubles.) and removing it from that tangled mess could really destroy my nerves, so they have to leave some of it in there. and then do radiation, maybe.
i just can't believe i may have to deal with continued MRIs for the rest of my life to track the very high possibility of this damn tumor coming back and back and back. and multiple surgeries for the rest of my life.
i always imagined i'd live a good long life.
this sucks.
it seems wildly unfair.
cry, panic, cry.
informed but panicked.
these myxopapillary ependymoma tumors are highly likely to recur, and difficult to completely remove. apparently they cannot be broken and must be removed whole, or even though they are benign, they can cause serious problems if they spill. however, they often get tied up in the nerves in the back (as i assume mine is, because the pain goes down my legs and i have... er, bowel troubles.) and removing it from that tangled mess could really destroy my nerves, so they have to leave some of it in there. and then do radiation, maybe.
i just can't believe i may have to deal with continued MRIs for the rest of my life to track the very high possibility of this damn tumor coming back and back and back. and multiple surgeries for the rest of my life.
i always imagined i'd live a good long life.
this sucks.
it seems wildly unfair.
cry, panic, cry.
22.1.11
worried about nadal's health. he says he's recovering from the flu still, and that's why he's sweating SO MUCH. apparently he's lost 5 pounds during his matches!
i've never been so emotionally invested in any sport before. even my terps <3 probably because for the terps there is always a rotating cast of characters so they can always get better but nadal each passing year means he's just older and has fewer chances to win. <3 rafaaaa
in back-related news, i got the report from my MRI last week, and apparently, i may have one of these three tumors: myxopapillary ependymoma, schwannoma or a neurofibroma. the uncertainty of it all makes me feel like i could be on house. but ideally this will be much simpler and in a week or so i will know everything i need to do.
sometimes i worry too much about making a good impression. i think it's because i initially alienated all of tim's friends and now i would like for them (especially new ones) to not think that i am a total bitch.
i think i am doing well tonight, though.
i've never been so emotionally invested in any sport before. even my terps <3 probably because for the terps there is always a rotating cast of characters so they can always get better but nadal each passing year means he's just older and has fewer chances to win. <3 rafaaaa
in back-related news, i got the report from my MRI last week, and apparently, i may have one of these three tumors: myxopapillary ependymoma, schwannoma or a neurofibroma. the uncertainty of it all makes me feel like i could be on house. but ideally this will be much simpler and in a week or so i will know everything i need to do.
sometimes i worry too much about making a good impression. i think it's because i initially alienated all of tim's friends and now i would like for them (especially new ones) to not think that i am a total bitch.
i think i am doing well tonight, though.
21.1.11
well, every day is out the window. but we shall see about AT LEAST EVERY OTHER DAY. this is how all good resolutions fail.
i can't wait for the weekend! <3
also, even though he will be playing in the middle of the night, vamos rafa <3333
i wish i had something deeper to say but my mind is consumed with booking airline tickets for 50 students and teachers and deciding whether or not to panic about my back mass. and i've decided it's better to wait for the second MRI and opinions from the neurosurgeons, but you know. i still think about it.
blurgh.
i can't wait for the weekend! <3
also, even though he will be playing in the middle of the night, vamos rafa <3333
i wish i had something deeper to say but my mind is consumed with booking airline tickets for 50 students and teachers and deciding whether or not to panic about my back mass. and i've decided it's better to wait for the second MRI and opinions from the neurosurgeons, but you know. i still think about it.
blurgh.
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